Been gone a while, pretty busy life as of late… Changed some habits around.
I stumbled across this old thing and I figured why not? I’m gonna try to write more again, see where this takes me.
Expect more soon.
You’ve moved on, found someone new. I can accept this, i want nothing but the best for you. My problem? My heart still belongs to you. Only you.
So I sit here, my bedroom emptied out. My car packed with everything it can carry. My head overwhelmed with emotions I cant seem to bury.
My hand sitting on the shift, waiting. But why wait? I’ve waited too long. Always waiting for a reason to stay. A phone call, a text, your sudden essence at my car door.
But it wont come, you’ve found happiness. And for you I wish nothing but the best.
So I start this new chapter, one on my own. Hoping that just maybe, I’ll find a place to call home. Or even that maybe, just maybe, one day you read my blog, and dial your phone.
I don’t dream anymore.
Its been months since I’ve had a real dream.
Its one thing to let your imagination run wild during the day. But its something completely different to fall asleep and feel. Because your imagination is real in your dreams. You can touch things, hear things, see things, live things.
She was always in my dreams, maybe because as I slept I could smell her hair, feel her skin, hear her heartbeat. I never missed her, not even in my sleep.
Now my nights are desolate. Absent of the aroma on my pillow. My bed is cold and empty. The only thing I hear is an echo of her breath. My body yearns for a kiss before bed. I’m restless searching for her body to caress in the night. All I have are empty sheets.
Without the comfort of her companionship I can no longer sleep. No longer dream. I am slowly going insane and Its killing me.
I’ve kissed many girls in my day, most of them didn’t mean much. Girls have come and gone and I’ve been ok with it. But there’s one kiss, one kiss that meant everything to me. One kiss that changed the course of my life.
Three years ago, I was different. I had a plan: go to school, get a degree, get a job, move on with life.
But then she walked into my life. From the moment we met I saw her as the most beautiful woman in the world. She was kind, smart, adventurous. Completely out of my league. She would never go for a guy like me. But she became my friend, and that was really all I could ask for. We slowly became closer and closer.
Then one day, she came over and we put on a movie. Hot tub time machine. We laughed and eventually I put my arm around her. I looked at her, and she looked back at me. Staring into her eyes I moved in closer. Then our lips met.
That was the moment everything changed. She was surprised at first. I told her how i felt about her and surprisingly to me, she became my girlfriend. I spent the best time of my life with her, I’m grateful for every moment spent. My life changed that day.She opened my eyes to the world. Taught me how to be brave. Pushed me to try new things. Gave me the courage to be who I really wanted to be and say what i really wanted to say. Thanks to her I live free.
We’ve gone our separate ways but I still think of that moment. It was the most important kiss of my life.
Most of my life I’ve been the guy women come to for comfort after a breakup. I don’t mean for a one night stand or a rebound sort of thing. More like someone to talk to when things go bad. I don’t mind, I’m used to it by now.
Anyway, I’ve seen many women hurt because they make the same mistakes over, and over again. So, I’ve created a list of things for women to look out for when considering dating a guy, or if their with someone and are unsure.
1. He’s breaking up with his girlfriend for you:
If you’ve been talking to a guy and he tells you repeatedly that he will leave her to be with you. DON’T DO IT!!
First off, if he would leave her for you, what’s to stop him from leaving you for someone else? Secondly, if he really didn’t want to be with her, why hasn’t he left already? Chances are he’s just looking for a quick lay and is using that as an excuse to cheat.
2. His friends say something mean about you, and he doesn’t defend you honor:
Now it may sound old fashioned “defending your honor” but if a man simply allows his friends to say something about you, and either goes along with it, or simply does nothing, that’s a major red flag. Chances are he follows the “Bro’s Before Ho’s” philosophy. And I’m sure you don’t want to be considered his “ho”.
3. His Facebook pictures include one without a shirt:
This to me spells douchiness all around.
I’m sure you’ve seen it. Most likely a bathroom mirror, hes wearing a flat bill hat, and either holding up his shirt showing off his “abs” or no shirt at all.
From what I’ve gathered, most of these men are just boys trying to get laid. Yeah yeah, maybe they are confident about themselves. But there is a difference between confidence, and cockiness.
4. He doesn’t have a job:
Now there are some exceptions to this rule. He could be a full-time student, trying to figure out his future, or possibly has just been layed off. But if you are supporting him. Buying his clothes, paying his bills, giving him gas money, or just giving him money to blow all together. He’s most likely a moocher, and is just using you to get what he wants.
5. He has cheated:
I’ve heard the excuses. “He was drunk”, “He said he’d never do it again”, “She pressured him to do it”. Trust me, there is no excuse. There is a level of trust that comes to being in a committed relationship, and if a man is capable of breaking that trust once, he can do it again.
6. He’s hit you:
Again, same excuses: “He was drunk”, “He’ll never do it again”, “It was only once”. Bullshit! There are some things that define a good man, one of them is that he will never lay his hand on a woman, EVER!
7. He sells weed on the side:
I know weed is harmless, but there’s a difference between smoking it and selling it. Lots of trouble can come with that.
I know that some of these seem pretty obvious, but you’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard these.
There are more rules to come. I’ll update this list soon.
Oh and ladies, feel free to add your own version of this list for your male counterparts.
While working on an assignment in class one day I was asked a question by one of my classmates: Who is your role model? Who do you look up to?
To be perfectly honest I couldn’t answer her question. I was left with a blank mind.
However, on my drive home that day I couldn’t stop thinking about that question. Whats my motivation for how I live my life? Then I realized that I once had a role model. When I was a kid I looked up to him, wanted to be exactly like him. But then I grew to know who he really was. He was a disappointment. For the longest time, everyone, including me, thought that I would grow to fill his shoes.
I hate him, but he is still my example. An example of who I never want to become. I live my life by making sure I never follow the footsteps that he left.
We all have it. That need we can’t satisfy. usually, its something we can’t have, or we don’t know what it is yet. But it’s there. And as long as its there we have that hole to fix, a hunger to feed. So we indulge, we indulge in anything and everything we can get a hold of in order to fill the gap. Sex. Drugs. Booze. Anything. It becomes an addiction, a painful one. And we feed it. We feed it until it destroys us. It hurts trying to fulfill the need. It hurts even more when it was once filled.